fix+writing+23

=Memo= by:Ryan I picked this piece (skiing o 23) because I did not have a lot of time to finish this piece so I think that it would be very good if I could revise it. But it does not need so much work that it will take 3 weeks. But after I revise my writing will be so much better. So I am very glad that I get to revise this piece.

At first my lead was... "I thought I was the best tennis player in Colorado. I even beat some of the best tennis players in the world. But on August 13, 2007 I got a very important call." I thought that was very boring so I changed it to the following."I thought I was the best tennis player in the state of Colorado. I dominated every single match even against some of the best American tennis players in the world. Also I persevered through my dad bulleting tennis balls at me every day since I was three . But finally on a misty summer morning, August 13, 2007 I got a very important call." Once I revised this I felt a lot better about my writing.

In the third paragraph at first I rout just a few sentences about two people just talking for 18 hours on a plain. But when I revised it said (Shhhhhhhhh! "I can't believe I am going to the Olympics." I mumbled to myself. "Are you going to the Olympics too?" A man across the aisle asked. "Yah!" I said with a smile. After about a minute I was in a conundrum, I was thinking what he was doing at the Olympics? So I asked "What sport do you play?" I was bustling that it was not tennis. But I was genial that he said swimming.) in stead of (Shhhhhhhhh! "I can't believe I am going to the Olympics." I mumbled to myself. "Are you going to the Olympics too?" A man across the aisle asked. "Yah!" I said with a smile.) And I saw a big difference.

Again in the third paragraph I had no vocabulary words my best one was mumbled. But then I added bustling and genial. Then I thought that my third paragraph was about a billion times better.

In the fourth paragraph I used a simile by doing (the 18 hours just flew by so fast like a flying eagle.) then I used the vocabulary word facile in the sentence (Once the competition day was there I got pared up with a guy named Chris Smith. And he was very facile I beat him 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 and he started crying I couldn't believe it I haven't seen a grown man cry before.)

Last, in the last paragraph I said On the plain ride back I saw the guy I talked with last time I showed him my gold and he showed me his silver Then he said that Michealle Pheleps beat him by .001 of a second. But then I looked at him and said "that happened to me with Roger. but even though you got silver you still should be very proud of your self.) Instead of On the plain ride back I saw the guy I talked with last time I showed him my gold and he showed me his silver